August 31, 2010. Leukemia, the one word I remember the doctor saying slammed me into a shocked silence. My mind was incapable of forming a complete thought. After 30 minutes of, well, I’m not sure what, the fog lifted just enough for me to remember that the doctor had also said that he had good news and bad news. So I blurted out, “But what’s the good news?”
“It’s treatable.” was the reply. No cure, just treatment, for the rest of my life to save my life. At the time it didn’t seem like good news, at least not the kind I wanted. That day began a roller coaster journey emotionally, mentally and physically. I literally began to mourn the loss of the healthy body that I wanted.
Denial – An inconclusive bone marrow biopsy had us convinced that I had been misdiagnosed. So we prayed that God would help the doctors see their mistake, but God said “No.”
Then we prayed for miraculous and instantaneous healing, but God said “No.”
Anger and Depression– I felt abandoned by God, sure that he didn’t really love me. I hated Him for allowing this to happen to me.
One day I saw Leighann at the clinic and realized that if she could live victoriously with cancer, so could I. I decided that if I really believed what I said I believed, it had to count now, and it had to make a difference. That is when I began realizing that God had been doing miracles in my journey all along. Has it been happy perfection ever since? No, it’s still a roller coaster, but God is my solid rock foundation, and now it just doesn’t seem as bumpy.
One of God’s miracles are all the “balcony” people He has placed in my life. They have kept me looking up, and have been such a blessing to me. Ty, my friends, my family, my small group have all prayed with me, cried with me, and celebrated with me.
Early in my journey Leighann and I had a conversation. She told me that she wouldn’t trade one thing she’s been through for a healthy body. At the time, I thought she was nuts. But now, that’s my testimony. I wouldn’t trade one thing I’ve been through on this journey for a healthy body. If God had given me my way and healed me instantly, I would have missed out on so many blessings. He really did “know best”. My relationship with God is so much deeper and more precious now. I’ve shared my testimony with so many, and not always with words, but with my life and how I choose for God and me to face each new challenge. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.